Is Polite Conversation An Anachronism?

There are fewer and fewer genuine conversations in my life.  Those who know me are familiar with my view that for a great conversation, both parties have to enter it with the intent to be changed by it.

But let's face it.  Most "conversations" today are efforts to gain information ("Can you tell me what this costs?") or access ("I'd like to make an appointment with Mr. Smith.  When is he available for a call?") or to give information ("Your product doesn't work" or "I'll get home late tonight" or "The bus leaves at 8 PM"). 

The conversations that make my day are those where I walk away knowing that things are now different:  I've learned something, gained a new appreciation for a person or event, or been touched deeply. 

The December 17 issue of the Economist includes an articled entitled, "Hi There" and the subject of the article is identified as "politeness."  The article posits that "life is getting friendlier but less interesting and suggests that we should blame that on technology, globalization and feminism." 

Now that's a subject we can sink our teeth into.  It may be just the thing to bring up at Christmas dinner, if you'd like to focus on something other than the great food, wine and traditional cookies. 

The Economist article looks at the loss of formal titles.  We're talking here of titles like Lady So and So; Lord Such and Such; Your Grace, Your excellency, Dr. so and so, Herr Professeur and the like.

English is now the dominant language globally and it has no verb forms for politeness, humility and respect as is common in many other languages, for example Japanese.  There is no "familiar" pronoun that distinguishes close friends and family from those one knows less well (as, for example, the use of  the familiar "tu" used in French with loved ones, versus "vous" which is the way one addresses everyone else). 

So, suggests the Economist article, if you are familiar with literally everyone, as least in the way you speak with them, how do you signify to others that they are truly important to you?  Or that you revere them?

For sure, email has broken many of the traditional standards of politeness in address.  Gone is the "salutation (does anyone under 30 even know what that means?) and the formal "close" of letters penned in the past.  Feminism threw out the Miss and Mrs. with which we used to distinguish a married woman from a single woman (why, you may ask did we bother to do that, anyway?).  Physicians are in a quandary about how to address their patients, much less how they want to be addressed themselves (Dr. Smith?  George? Yo, Sally?).  See the New York Times article of December 14 on this subject.

 

The move to informality everywhere in the world appears inexorable.   Maybe that's a good thing.  But, I must admit, I miss some of the grace that care in addressing others can bring to a conversation.  The only people who say "Ma'am" or "Sir" now seem to be Southerners or members of the armed forces addressing their superiors.

Sigh.